grr

Been home for about a week now. Funny how things change. I won't go into detail on here but I really, really, will never know where I belong. Living at home with things like curfews, errands, being told what to do and when, guilted into spending time with my mom, I feel like I've outgrown all this stuff. And then, the reasons why I'm out -iivit sittingin a basement watching TV and/or playing video games, conversations I am excluded from, real insults and arguements over music, driving around like there's nothing to do, people who won't go clubbing or danceing... no shared joy over real food but instead arguements and stress over where and what to eat. But oh, people who know exactly who I am and love me for it. Every shinning flaw, every stupid remark. Nostalgia. Home. History. Routines I was once familiar with. My car, my beautiful wonderful car. Groups of teenage boys who do stupid shit and laugh at it. My Carly. The 5 or so people who I've spent high school growing up with, who really shaped who I am. No feeling left out. No..I'm tired of all these useless comparisons. I'm tired of not knowing where I want to be, or with whom. I'm tired of not knowing what will happen to me afte rthe next three months. Need a job, a new hope, and EVERYONE to quit nagging me.

home...

Home.. home again... So happy to be home.. where I belong.. and my friends and family, my house my bed... Looking forward to awesome times and awesome people and pure fun, freedom and frienship. So why is there a big Tulane-shaped hole in my heart??

...and so it begins...

You knowe you absolutly rock when its 4am, with a full moon, a day before the first wave of finals, and you've upstairs watching a movie when you realize, "Oh shit!! It's tiiimee" So you run outside, grabing the two worst test grades you've gotten all year, a bunch of your closest friends and thier grades, and commence to make a scarifice. Thats' right. God's of Partial Credit, hear our prayers, see our lovely pile of ash and reign down your magic. We made an alter and sang hyms, gave our grades the finger simultameously, and annointed outselves with "A"'s on our foreheads all sacreligiohusly. We are the coolest, and most favored finals takers, hands down. I will make sweet sweet love to these exams, and in return, I expect a beautiful orgasm of A's splashing onto my transcript. Bring 'em on, bitch!

Gulf Shores.. :)

Dear Jon, Liz, Dave and JD - Thank you for a wonderful weekend. Seriously. When we first started out I was kind of in a bad mood, everyone seemed to be in a funk. But things got so much better, it was seriously amazing, when we all started singing. And the tensions, and ice broke, and it was pure fun from then on. I'm glad you all know so much about agriculture: peanut farms, corn feilds, pecan orchards and flood plains were so neat to see. And of course, white supremist cows made me laugh. I wish we could have seen the gators though. Dinner at all you can eat was an excellent idea, even if Mobile looked a tad sketchy. But the real fun started when we got there. The hotel room was nice, very nice for our money. The balcony was useful entirely. And the shower - goddamn that shower was so big. I mean, not only did it fit all of us (better than jon's bathing suit), but had room to spare. Looks like we, once again, couldn't see the "how close is too close?" line. Especially Jon. :) Drinking was crazy, we went through so much shit but it felt soo good. Despite the card everywhere, and the massive bicep aches in the morning, drunken BS was funny, and drunken swimming, funnier. JD actually successfully drink dialed too, which was nice. Sorry the water was too cold. But Jon, you do blow penis better than us all. Saturday was also amazing. Despite Jon's bathing suit mishaps, and Jon and JD running to lunch w/out Liz Dave and I, it was an excellent morning. I especially loved the sandcastle wars; I have never built such awesome sand structures. You boys though.. you learn your diplomacy from Bush... We should have been allies. Even though Dave and I did have the better castle. Fort Phallus and the Boobies did suffer noble deaths at the hands of thier creators. Swimming... man I haven't swam in the ocean in a long time.. and I was actually in the water NEXT TO MEXICO! =^)Despite you boys and your silly little magic carding, Liz and I had a good talk, a good walk and just geenrally good bonding. I love you; thanks for understanding. I can always count on a good heart to heart, intellectual, conversation. Swimming, where I accidently tossed that football into... Jon and his boys.. well, it was funny but an accident. Sorry again! Even through the food wasn;t great, our pseudo-intellectual dinner conversations on patriotism were good. I' m glad we have such diverse opinions within our little group. Then, off to Mini-Golf. It took me a while to get into my rhythm, but once there, we were all pretty damn close and good at the game. The course was bad-ass, and the competition was fierce. Highlights were Jon's bad chi, hole-in-one spanks, JD going a little to the left, Sexual orientation determind by ball path, Dave and the shorter stick and of course, all the good natured, mostly sexual, competitive banter that we all share. I love and will deeply miss that dynamic. Oops. It was such a mistake to go back to that hotel room, and truely see how lobster like we all were. From Jon's penis to JD's back, my back and legs, the three of us were entirely out of commission. Thankst to Liz and Dave for the Coco Butter and excellent "service." Again, tetsimony to how close we all are, that I sat around inmy underwear , checking out the asses on so many girls on that stupid show we were too lazy to trun off. Bigger shirts = better. Jon and JD, I hope you enjoyed your pseudo orgasms from Dave.."Ohh yea, that feels soooo good.. fuck me.. fuck me.. ... a little closer.. more.. yes.. OOOOHHH.. That was better than sex!" Too many church goers, three cracker barrels later, eating fast food from three differant hplaces and stepping in the Mississippi crud was the entireity of the trip back. And the Tchacacabuffta, or whatever. I vote for clicks added to our language. Singing Disney songs, hard rock, and the Oompa Loompa song.. JD and Liz both made excellent DJ's. In conclusion, thanks for a wonderful end to the semester, a view of three southern states, my frist college road trip, and a weekend I'll never forget. Marissa

failure..

You know that moment that comes when you relaize that you are a total failure with no future.. Yea. Moving to a differant state, fucking up my grades, not having a summer job: these things don't help. Constant flows of criticism from every concievable angle - Carly, family, myself. I wish I could curl up and disappear.What happened to the happy girl with all the potential in the world? What happened to beleiving in one's self?

Hello, t...

Hello, this is Carly updating to tell you that unfortunately Marissa's hard-drive crashed so, obviously, she won't be able online or able to update for a little while. :(

oh these crazy times...

Good people, good times, good talks. Spending a lot of time ( in between studying of course( just going around discussing various experiences and views, past, present and future.. 20 questions turns into shared reminissance, story telling and memory building. Advice, childhood terrors, sexual experiences: there are no secrets. And it's good. I've never felt so comepletly known by a group of people. Ever. Things no one ever asks, I know about these people. Dave, Liz, Rachel, Mars.. tonight was all about that. Love flows around in our group and I seriously.. don't know what I'm going to do without them. It's also always nice to know you're appreciated by those you aren't even close to. Thanks for caring, for asking, for making me feel appreciated. I have a good thing here.. Finally, excitement builds... Jon traveled home this weekend to obtain his car.. So excited to go off to Gulf Shores (beach in Alabama) for the weekend. Hotels, too much alcohol, sun, frisbee and craziness. Last Hurrah. Should be great. They say you're college friends are the ones you're closest to... if it continues on this path, in four years... there are no secrets now. So I wonder...And of course, 4 hectic, hellish days of finals immediately following. But then.. never to fund raise again! and come HOME in 19 days for three whole months!!G'night all.

HEEEEEELLLLLPPPP!!!

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things." U of Miami - Mommy will live less then an hour away - which means that I can visit on weekends (or for dinner) and then I can go to NY on big vacations to be with the people I care about.- SO much more to do both in town and on campus - including beaches, movie theaters variety of restaurants and the like that I've been deprived of but am used to at home (which can be reached by non-car methods)- Can make friends who live in FL, which is apparently my new residence- Charles is definately going to apply and will probably get in for the spring 2005 semester- Nicer, bigger dorms w/professors in residence- Bigger campus, MUCH more diverse- Season's pass to Disney World, cheap trips to various keys- Better food- Less sorrority presence- Fees are less for parking my car. - Better concert scene!!- Better study abroad oppertunities for aid, can do more programs- People in school are closer to my income braket and therefore are not spoiled brats like I've grown up with - Seems to have more club membership - More days off throughout year.-Ranked #61 Tulane- Better repuattion- Smaller campus population- Better course offerings, more diversity of majors- Pre-established excellent set of friends- Many visisting lecturers - Better study abroad- More overall Jewish population, lots of jappy people- Easier registration (I think)- With car can access activites in greater New Orleans, but will be stuck as designated driver- bigger LBGT community - More presitgious international universities for study abroad- Easier to access alcohol - Mardi gras-Closer to MexicoRanked #44Carly can go to either, but at Miami we could room together. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME DECIDE FOR I AM UNABLE TO MYSELF!!!

begging for eyes to bear witness...

Today is Holocaust Rememberance Day. You shoudl all take a minute to think and honor the lives of all 11 million victims of torture and cruelty which came as a result of conformity, and fear. These 11 million people were those that were considered deviant from society, not perfect, and for that, mothers, daughters, wives, brothers, sons, husbands, lovers, actors, engineers, musicians, children, grandparents, neighbors... ect. died. Denied the basic things we all take for granted today: cleanliness, food, space, water, the beauty of grass and sky, they perished in conditions more deliberatly inhumane than any other era in history. Mechanically, systematically gassed and burned by a hierarchy that functions solely to decimate, destroy, exterminate people. But this wasn't just a faceless enemy. Medical experments of twins, homosexuals, cripples were cruelly posed to see how much pain the human body could take, how much pressure could build up before one would explode, and many other horrific events. Psychological experments include family members chooseing which relatives to save, and which to kill, mothers forced to kill thier own babies in order to save themselves and others, fathers starving themselves so thier sons could have the smallest chance at survival. I'm not listing thes ethings to make you sad, or sick, the way I feel now, but rather to stress the importance of standing up for your own beliefs. Hundreds of rightous people not persecuted themselves risked death to save the comndemmed, many martyrs stood up in the Ghetto uprisings to make the statement that they will not willingly die. Lives were ricked to send information to the outside world. We can't forget the horror, nor the bravery. Never forget: it was humans juts like you and I that allowed this tragedy, this travesty, this blatent dehumanization to occur, yet it was also people: strong, brave, and moral, that saved the souls of humanity. Never forget.

Just an update

Good week. Less homework, study, more fun, leisure. This weekend has been good. Friday night was ok, we watched a movie, and I resisted tempation and was quite proud of myself. Then Saturday, we all got dressed up and went to see Jon's musical theater preformance, which was AMAZING. We have a lot of really talented singers here. We then went to a japaneese steakhouse for dinner, a brilliant change from bruff food. We sang Disney and classic songs the whole way there and waiting for the streetcar on the way back. :) Today I worked and studied and such. I love the sun. Find out about Miami tom. The future is as hazy as the winter sky.

Hmm

If you were a monster, what you look like/act like?Describe yourself.